


call it what you want to

by daisyrachel



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV), The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-16
Updated: 2018-01-16
Packaged: 2019-03-05 13:59:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13389285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daisyrachel/pseuds/daisyrachel
Summary: sometimes things have to fall apart so they can fall back together, and no one knows this better than caitlin snow





	call it what you want to

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AgentMaryMargaretSkitz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgentMaryMargaretSkitz/gifts).



> so this is for my dear friend kate, and let me tell you, this fic was a piece of work
> 
> there's a small playlist that goes along with it, in no particular order, and they're all taylor swift songs:
> 
> 1\. call it what you want to  
> 2\. out of the woods  
> 3\. the last time (ft. gary lightbody)  
> 4\. new years day
> 
> also that one scene is the closest i've ever gotten to writing sex so please don't haze me i'm trying
> 
> please enjoy its a mess!

Caitlin walked into STAR Labs to see chaos, as usual. She put down her coffee, hoping it wouldn’t lose its warmth, before approaching the situation. “Okay, guys,” she said to Cisco and Barry, interrupting their screaming. When they refused to pay attention, she began to bang the whiteboard until they were both looking at her. “What,” she asked, calmly and monotonously, “seems to be the problem?”

 

“The new meta is a shrinker!” said Cisco, almost unable to contain his excitement. “He shrinks! We’re not sure how he does it, but he shrinks!”

 

She turned to Barry. “So we need an expert in nanotechnology. Have we called Ray yet?”

 

Barry turned around from his calculations at the board and began to speak. “He’s in a pseudo dimension or something,” he said, “Amaya explained it on the phone, and it was very confusing. And he wasn’t even our first call.”

 

“Oh?” Caitlin asked, a little surprised. “Who’s our nanotech contact then?”

 

“Lily.”

 

 _“Cisco… let me go.”_ _Caitlin turned away from Cisco and walked. She wasn’t quite sure where she was walking. She shrugged off her coat. It was warm out, and she was wearing black. She strolled into the nearest outlet, hoping no one would recognize her as the blonde haired freak who had been terrorizing Central City for the past few weeks._

_Half an hour later, newly equipped with a white hoodie, sweatpants, skinny jeans, and two sports bras, vice principal Caitlin was gone. She thought back to what she had said to the team at the funeral._ I’m not Caitlin anymore, _she had said,_ I’m something else. _She wasn’t Killer Frost either, as Barry had aptly told her. She was… New Caitlin. New wardrobe, new outlook on life, and (since Killer Frost had conveniently forgotten to pay the rent that month), new living situation._

 

_She pulled her hoodie down over her eyes and strolled into Jitters. She looked up at the barista, who was clearly confused by her getup. “One iced coffee,” she asked softly, before placing three pre-packaged meals on the counter, “and these.” The cashier rung her up, and then she was on her way again._

_She figured the best idea was to stay out of society for a bit, and seeing as being cold wasn’t a problem anymore, she figured she’d try her luck with the woods. That’s where Cisco told her_ she _had gone, or rather where she had gone. How different was she really from her Earth-2 counterpart now?_

_Caitlin stumbled upon a clearing, not too far out into the woods. She sat down, barely shivering, and pulled her sweatshirt closer around her. This would do just fine._

 

“Lily?” Caitlin asked. When Barry nodded she audibly gulped.

 

“Hey girl, what’s wrong?” She turned to find Cisco’s hand on her shoulder, his eyes intense with worry.

 

She opened her mouth to speak but Barry interrupted. “Yeah, I mean we don’t have to get her here if you don’t want us to. I’m sure the Legends can fish Ray out of the pseudo dimension or whatever if you really can’t work with her.”

_A week later, Caitlin was finding living amongst nature harder than she had anticipated. She was still going back into Central every day, which was going to become an issue very quickly if the more_ killer _side of her didn’t cool off, fast. Every time she walked by a bank, she wanted to steal it. Every time she walked past a puppy, she wanted to kick it. Seeing as her hair hadn’t quite changed its hue back to her regular, increasing her violence would_ not _be a good look._

_And then there were the more classic, Old Caitlin urges. She’d walk past the CCPD and get a pang in her heart, wondering if Barry, Joe, or even Julian were in there at the moment. She’d pick up a forgotten newspaper only to find it was CCPN, and feel a longing to sit down with Iris over coffee. And nearly everything reminded her of Cisco; the little kids playing with action figures she’d pass by on the streets, the posters for the new Star Wars movies she’d see in the streets._

_Caitlin was pulled out of her thoughts by an irregular coolness on the top of her head. She looked up, but couldn’t see anything above her. Then she felt it again, on her arm. She quickly realized it had begun to rain. She pulled her hoodie over her head, hoping for the storm to pass soon, when she heard a familiar voice. “Caitlin? Is that you?”_

_Caitlin turned to find Lily Stein standing not two feet from her. She waved slowly, a small smile on her face. “Hi, Lily.”_

_“Oh god,” said Lily, suddenly frantic, “You’re going to catch a cold.”_

_“No I won’t,” responded Caitlin._

_Lily rolled her eyes. “Evil meta powers or not, you shouldn’t be outside in this weather.” She walked towards Caitlin, standing her up and opening her umbrella. “Hey,” she continued, “you can stay with me for a bit. Does that sounds good?”_

 

“Oh, no!” Caitlin exclaimed, beginning to turn pink. “No, no, nothing like that.”

 

“Aww, does our little Caity have a crush?” She turned to glare at Cisco.

 

Barry cooed from behind them. “Oh my god, she totally does!”

 

“Shut up, both of you,” she said, now blaringly red in the face.

 

“Caitlin and Lily, sitting in a tree,” Cisco began. Barry quickly joined in. “K-I-S-S-I-N—“

 

“I’m sorry, am I interrupting something?”

 

_After they had been living together for a week, Lily managed to pull Caitlin out of the house to go to the Farmer’s Market with her. “Come on, Cait,” Lily had said, “You need some fresh air.” So there new Caitlin was in a place frequented by Old Caitlin, hoping not to be recognized._

_Lily, of course, thought her New Caitlin persona was complete bullshit. “You’re still you,” Lily had said, “And you are good, no matter what you’ve done in the past. You’re good because you choose to be now.” Yet still, Caitlin found comfort in separating herself from her past, letting it roll away rather than wash over her in waves._

_It wasn’t until they had reached the tomato stands when Lily began to start involving her in the selecting process. “Hey Caitlin, what do you think of this one?” she said, picking up a tomato and tossing it lightly. Caitlin shrugged, not particularly eager to say anything. Lily then chucked the tomato at Caitlin, who made no effort to catch it. It hit her square in the stomach and fell to the ground, splitting open immediately upon impact._

_Lily looked horrified and turned to the cashier. “I’ll pay for it,” she quickly announced before looking at her friend. “Caitlin, I’m so—“ She was interrupted by Caitlin opening her mouth, and decided to wait for whatever she had to say. Caitlin stood mouth wide, frozen for a moment, before she began laughing. “Sorry?” Lily finished._

_Caitlin continued laughing; loud enough she could have been characterized as causing a scene. Lily soon enough joined in, and before long they were grabbing onto each other for support._ Laughing felt good, _Caitlin decided,_ almost normal. Like something Old Caitlin would do.

 

_As if the thought caused them to appear, Caitlin could suddenly hear the whisper of her team nearby. She grabbed Lily by the hand and ran behind the nearest booth, ducking down and motioning for Lily to follow suit. “Wait, why are we—“ began Lily, before Caitlin quickly shushed her._

_Sure enough, there were Iris and Cisco walking together through the market, smiling softly at each other. Caitlin tilted her head, confused. Their presence wasn’t the irregularity, but rather the absence. “Barry,” Caitlin breathed, “they don’t hang out without Barry. Where’s Barry?”_

_Lily stiffened next to her. Caitlin turned towards her slowly, waiting for a response. “I thought you knew,” she said, “A week before I found you, well, there were thunderstorms throughout Central City. Except they weren’t thunderstorms. It was the speed force breaking open. After Jay got out…”_

_“The speed force needed a new speedster prisoner,” Caitlin finished, looking towards her two friends. She could see it in their eyes now, a little sad around the edges. She reached for Lily’s had and grabbed it, Lily returning with a squeeze. “Oh, Barry.”_

 

Caitlin’s breath caught in her throat as she turned around. There she was, as radiant as she had been when Caitlin had last seen her, six months ago. “Lily,” she breathed.

 

Lily’s eyes softened for a moment, and then turned hard again. “You needed an expert?” she asked, unusually steely. “Well, you came to the right place. But let’s do this quickly. I don’t want to be here any longer than I have to.”

_Caitlin screamed when she felt the slice on her hand. Lily came bounding into the room. “Cait, I heard screaming, are you—“ Lily yelped and jumped back as a spot ice appeared where she had just been about to step. Caitlin shook her head. Had she done that? “Caitlin…” said Lily, slowly moving forward._

_Caitlin put her hands up. “Stay back Lily,” she begged. “Please, it’s for your own good.”_

_“You were screaming,” Lily pressed, “what happened?”_

_Caitlin laughed humorlessly, nothing like the sound Lily had heard in the farmers market a few weeks before. “You want to know what happened?” asked Caitlin. “I tried to pour myself a glass of water, and_ this _,” she said, motioning to cup shaped block of ice on the table, “happened. And I got angry. So I threw the glass.”_

_Lily sighed. “Cait, you can’t get your anger get the better of you like this, we’ve talked about it.”_

_“And who are you to tell me what to do?” said Caitlin, her hair and eyes rapidly lightening. “You’re just a little scientist who lives all alone.”_

_“Caitlin, stop!“_

_“You took me in,” said Killer Frost, letting the cool air slowly slip off her fingers, “because_ you _were lonely. Not because you care about me, but because_ you _are oh-so-lonely.”_

_“Caitlin, please—“_

_“Dr. Lily Stein, never quite as good as her father,” mused Killer Frost, “stuck all alone in a cabin by the woods, never supposed to be anywhere in the first place. I bet if you were gone, not a single soul in the world would care, or even notice.”_

_“You’re wrong,” said Lily, “My dad—“_

_“Your dad?” laughed Killer Frost. “Your daddy who didn’t even know you existed until a few months ago? Who’s to say your memory wouldn’t just fade away?” Killer Frost took a moment’s pause and smiled, her eyes full of mirth. “What happens when an aberration dies, Lily? I mean, I’m still a scientist at heart, and I don’t know about you, but_ I _am curious to find out.”_

_Killer Frost was suddenly interrupted by Lily’s lips moving rapidly against her own. Killer Frost’s eyes snapped open in shock, and then closed as soon as she realized she enjoyed it. She lifted Lily up, and Lily quickly retaliated by wrapping her legs around Killer Frost’s waist. Killer Frost turned them around and sat Lily on top of the kitchen counter, taking the first opportunity she could to put her mouth on the other woman’s neck._

_She was rewarded with a moan, and Killer Frost decided to take things a bit further by spreading Lily’s legs wider and putting a hand in between them. Lily whimpered at that, and Caitlin decided it was time to go at this thing full force. She spun Lily around and climbed on top of the counter, leaning the other girl down until she was on her back._

_She began leaving a trail of soft kisses from the Lily’s nose downwards, undressed her as she progressed. It wasn’t until she reached Lily’s stomach that she realized she was herself, Caitlin, New Caitlin again. Huh._

 

A few hours later Caitlin was sitting with Cisco, staring at the back of Lily’s head while she talked animatedly with Barry. Cisco leaned over and shoulder bumped her. “You know,” he said, “you should tell her you like her.”

 

Caitlin sighed. “That ship has sailed, Cisco. A long, long time ago.”

 

“Could it hurt to go up and talk to her? Just try to be casual about it?”

 

Caitlin looked at him to see if he was being genuine. “Fine, Cisco, and you’ll see how it goes.” She walked over to Lily and tapped her on the shoulder. Lily turned around with a frown. “Hey, Lily,” she said, “Do you need anything?”

 

Lily sniffed before responding. “I’m quite alright, Dr. Snow,” she said, before returning to her work.

_Caitlin and Lily had been in this situation for a few weeks now. They were playful, occasionally flirty friends until Caitlin began to have an episode. When she turned into Killer Frost, their routine was simple; fuck until Killer Frost had disappeared, and never talk about it._

_This however, was a good day, no Frost in sight. They were baking, just the two of them. Some sort of cake that Lily’s father had left her the recipe to, and it was the most difficult thing either of them had attempted in their long and rigorous scientific careers._

_“Ok,” said Lily, letting flour fly into her face, “it’s official. We’re not good bakers.” Caitlin chuckled, seeing that Lily still had a bit of pink frosting stuck on the corner of her lip. She motioned to it and Lily said “Oh,” attempting to lick it off, but choosing the wrong side. Caitlin attempted to continue pantomiming where it was until Lily stomped her foot and began to laugh again. “I give up!” she announced. “Baking wins! Caitlin, dear, please get the frosting off my face.”_

_Caitlin debated for a moment before announcing “Ah, what the hell,” and leaning in to peck a kiss to the corner of Lily’s mouth, cleaning any last bit of frosting._

_Lily stood shell-shocked for a moment. “Oh,” she finally said._

_“Oh?” Caitlin asked, bemused._

_“I mean,” said Lily, stumbling over her words, “that’s the first time we’ve done that when you’re not,” she waved her hands around in frantic motions, “when_ we’re _not—“_

_“Is it okay?” asked Caitlin, wanting to come off as confident but sure she sounded more scared_

_“Mhmm,” said Lily, “I mean yes, yes, of course yes, it’s absolutely fine, I mean—“ Caitlin cut her off with another kiss, smiling underneath._

 

Caitlin froze for a moment. She hadn’t expected anything, but it had been worse to hear it. Lily couldn’t even say her name.

 

She sat back down next to Cisco. He spun towards her in his chair. “I’d ask if you needed some ice for that burn, but I know you have a supply of your own.” She picked up her head for him to see her patchy face, tears pricking at the corner of her eyes. “Shit, Cait—“

 

“Cisco, please,” she begged, “don’t.”

 

Cisco stood up and grabbed his jacket. “You. Me. Jitters. Now.”

_Caitlin sat down in front of Lily, handing her a coffee. “Here you go, dear,” said Caitlin, taking a sip from her cup of tea when her hands were free. They were in Lily’s kitchen, which the two of them had repainted a few hours before. Icy blue tones were replaced with warm yellows and pinks, and Caitlin felt much more comfortable in the room._

_“Hey,” said Lily, “I know we’ve only been living together and kissing each other for a few months and we never have once defined our relationship, but I think I may love you?”_

_Caitlin froze next to her. She knew how she was supposed to react. This woman had taken her into her home, cared for her despite her destructive tendencies. Killer Frost wanted to laugh and murder her in cold blood. Old Caitlin wanted to run away; she had never been good at feelings, not since Ronnie, not since Jay. It’s why she and Cisco worked; she understood the mental, and him the emotional. She, the ice queen who could freeze with the touch of a hand, and he, the man who could think hard enough and discover a person’s emotions._

_“Listen,” Lily continued, clearly worried, “you don’t have to say anything back. I’m not like, gonna kick you out if you don’t return the sentiment. That would be rude. I just needed to let you know.”_

_New Caitlin sighed and leaned over to kiss Lily. Lily’s eyes fluttered shut as her mouth opened allowing Caitlin more access. They stayed there for a few moments, lost in each other’s lips, until Caitlin pulled away._

_Lily whined and Caitlin smiled. “I love you too, Lil,” she said, “Why else would I have stuck around this long?_

 

She stirred her coffee, but she could feel his eyes boring into her head. “Cisco, I told you already, I don’t want to talk about it.”

 

Cisco raised his eyebrow. “Ok then,” he said slowly, “you don’t have to talk. But I’m going to. Here’s what I’ve already pieced together. You were gone for six months. Two of those months you spent with Amunet. The other four…”

 

She sighed. “Okay. Do you really want to hear what happened while I was gone?”

_“I can’t believe you’re even considering this!” yelled Lily, stomping away from Caitlin._

_“Lily!” Caitlin screamed. “Please! You need to understand!”_

_Lily turned on her heels and stalked towards Caitlin. “The only thing I understand,” said Lily, placing a single finger on Caitlin’s chest, “is that you’re trying to leave me for a megalomaniac.”_

_“For a cure!” said Caitlin, throwing up her hands._

_“For tech,” corrected Lily. “Sketchy tech, that comes from a megalomaniac! How did this ‘Amunet’ even find you anyway?”_

_Caitlin sighed. “I told you Lil, she approached me in Jitters. If Killer Frost does her dirty work, I’d be here during the days, entirely me.”_

_“Caitlin,” said Lily, slowly, “you_ are _entirely you. Killer Frost is a part of you, and nothing is going to change until you accept that.”_

_“She’s a_ murderer _, darling,” said Caitlin, “can you really blame me for wanting to separate myself?”_

_Lily wiped some tears from under her eyes with the sleeve of her cardigan. ‘Look,” she said, “If you want to be cured, we can figure out a way to do it. There has to be another way. Julian synthesized a cure!”_

_“Julian’s in London,” Caitlin said._

_“But he did it! Anything that was done once can be done again. If you want to be cured, we_ will _cure you,” said Lily, “but not like this. We do this the right way, we don’t play dirty.”_

_“Okay,” said Caitlin._

_Lily perked her head up. “What?”_

_“Okay,” Caitlin repeated, “I said okay. We do this our way. The science way.”_

_Lily let out a choked sob and rushed forward to hug Caitlin. “We’ll figure it out,” she mumbled into the taller girl’s chest. “I swear.”_

 

Caitlin shut her mouth and glanced down, finally done with her story. Cisco whistled and leaned back. “And you haven’t seen her since?”

 

Caitlin shook her head. “I saw her at the funeral, Cisco. I wanted to say something and I didn’t. She probably wouldn’t have wanted to hear from me anyway.

 

Cisco buried his head in his hands. “You’re in idiot,” he said, slightly muffled by his palms. He lifted his head up and continued. “You like this girl, so go talk to her already!”

 

Caitlin laughed. “What am I supposed to do,” she asked, “run to her house and wait out there in the pouring rain?” Cisco leaned forwards, and Caitlin took a deep breath. “Oh. Okay. That’s exactly what I need to do.”

_Caitlin woke up before Lily the next morning, just as she had planned. She sighed, looking over at the sleeping woman next to her. She wouldn’t be able to pack while keeping the woman asleep, and if Lily woke up there was no way she would be able to go._

_She grabbed a couple of things from her draw and stuffed them in a bag. She grabbed a pen from their— from_ Lily’s _night table and scribbled out a note._

Dearest Lily, _she wrote_ ,

 

I’m so sorry to have to leave like this. I don’t doubt that I’ve disappointed you, but I can’t live like this, not knowing when I could snap and hurt someone. When I could hurt you. I’m going to find Amunet. With a little bit of luck, it won’t be long before I see you again. Good luck, darling.

 

Yours,

Caitlin

 

_Caitlin mustered up some early morning strength and froze the note to the table, so there was no chance it would fall away. Lily had to see it, or she would never understand. She slung her bag over her back and turned back one more time. Lily looked peaceful. Caitlin was going to miss that._

_She locked the door behind her, putting her keys with the spares in the petunia bush. She dialed the newest contact on her phone. “Amunet,” said Caitlin, “I’m ready. Where can I find you?”_

_Amunet giggled on the other end of the line. “First rule dear,” she said, sounding much closer than she could have possibly been. Caitlin felt a tap on her shoulder and whirled around to see Amunet grinning behind her. “You don’t find me. I find you.”_

 

She knocked on Lily’s door, already soaking wet. The urge to freeze the water over was strong but she couldn’t forget the control she had worked so hard to gain these past months, not now. When there was no response, she lifted her hand to knock again, but the door opened from underneath her.

 

Lily stood there in her pajamas, the pink ones with the bunnies. “Caitlin?” she asked. “What are you doing here?”

 

“I needed to talk to you,” Caitlin said, making no move to enter the house. “Listen, I messed up this summer. I messed up really, _really_ badly, and—“

 

“Why didn’t you say anything at the funeral?” Caitlin looked up, shocked at Lily’s frankness. “God, I wanted to jump into your arms and cry right then, but you couldn’t talk to me, couldn’t even _look_ to me.“ Lily took a step out of her doorway, but her face was already wet. She was crying. Caitlin averted her gaze, feeling guilty. “You’re doing it again! All this time, and you still can’t look at me! Caitlin I don’t care how you feel now, or whatever your level of guilt is, but I deserve an explanation. I need to know why you left, I should be—“

 

“I was scared, okay?” Caitlin choked back a sob of her own. “I was scared that I was going to hurt you, I was scared of how fast we were moving, I was scared about how much I cared. Lily, you absolutely terrify me. But, if you’re feeling generous, please just— mmph!”

 

Caitlin was quickly cut off by Lily’s lips pressed against her own. She wrapped her arms even tighter around the smaller woman and tugged her closer. When they finally broke apart, Lily was panting. “If I let you back inside,” she said, “you’re not allowed to leave again. Not like that, anyway.”

 

Caitlin smiled. “Wouldn’t dream of it,” she promised.

 

Lily laughed. “Get inside you idiot. You’re going to catch something.”

 

“Oh, actually, I can’t catch anything.” Caitlin wiggled her fingers, allowing a frosty breeze to flow off them. “Metahuman, remember?”

 

“Yeah, well, not all of us are metas, Dr. Snow. Now please get inside, because I want to keep kissing you, but I am _very_ cold.” Lily turned around and headed back into the house, leaving the door open behind her.

 

Caitlin followed her in.

**Author's Note:**

> leave a comment or kudos to show me you care! holla at me on tumblr : pamolaisley.tumblr.com


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